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Wednesday, 03 December 2008

  • 找自己

    昨晚,我夢到了我小時候。

    夢到了我之前的家,夢到了之前的哥哥,夢到了之前的朋友。

    已經好多年沒想過這一些,好多年沒夢過這一些,也沒理由去勾引起這回憶。

    我並不了解為何突然會有這個夢。

    但,我想,我可能是想從我的過去,找回我自己吧?

    Translation:

    Title: Find Myself

    Last night, I dreamt of my childhood.

    I dreamt of my old home, my brother at the time, and my old friends.

    I haven't thought of any of this in my years, haven't dreamt of this in many years, nor do I have any particular reason to remember any of this.

    I don't really understand why I'd suddenly have this dreams.

    But, I believe, I'm trying to look into my past, and find myself again.

Friday, 28 November 2008

  • You Think You Know Me

    你,認識我嗎?

    你說,據你所知的我,應該是這樣的。

    問題是,你錯了。

    這一年內,我做了很多,很大的改變,變到我已經認不出我也不知道我是誰了。

    三年前,我曾調整我心情過一次,寫了一句「放棄了跟隨我二十九年的理想」。(祥情請看 http://love.pchome.com.tw/story/content.html?Flow_no=64466&type=y0614329&first=y&no=64466&my=my 已及 http://love.pchome.com.tw/story/content.html?Flow_no=66257&type=y0614329&first=y&no=66257&my=my)

    原來,那時我做的改變並還不夠。

    原來,我有很多裡想還是放不下。

    原來,這問題我已經想了三年了。

    原來,這三年內我一直都還在變。

    現在,我不知道他還願不願意陪我一起走完這一條路。我覺得,他還是想保留一片屬於自己的天空吧?

    往後,是單獨一個人也好,是並肩同行也好,至少,我已看到了光明的未來。

    很感謝他陪我度過這一段唉,美麗的日子。因為他,我才有機會突破這個瓶頸。

    Translation:

    Do you know me?

    You told me, according to what you know of me, this is how I would react.

    The problem is, you were wrong.

    Within the last year, I made a lot of changes. I've changed to the point where I don't recognize myself, nor do I know who I am anymore.

    Three years ago, I made an emotional adjustment, and wrote "I've let go of my ideals of 29 years."

    In fact, the changes I made were not enough.

    In fact, there were still many ideals I couldn't let go.

    In fact, this problem has continued to dog me for three years.

    In fact, these three years I've continued to undergo a lot of changes.

    Now, I no longer know if she's still willing to finish this journey with me. I think she still wants to preserve a little bit of her freedom.

    Going forward, whether it's by myself or together with her, at least I've seen a clearer path to a brighter future.

    I'm thankful for her accompanying me through these aye, beautiful days. It's because of her that I am able to break through this bottleneck.

Friday, 29 August 2008

  • Last time I updated was Tues, Aug 12. Since then, a few things have transpired.

    Aug 12 - My mom went for colon surgery at St. Michael's Hospital where my brother works for the removal of a portion of her small and large intestines where the tumour originated. I took half the morning off from work to accompany her to the hospital. I then went back to work for the afternoon before heading back to the hospital. I also got a parking ticket because the meter wasn't working. Instead of repeating myself, the rest of the week, while she was at the hospital, I was there every night after work. The surgery appeared to have gone without a hitch. She was weak, but stable.

    Aug 13 - She appeared to be in fine spirits and good shape. The surgeon suggested she may eat whatever she feels up to eating. In a rush to recuperate, and under the (false) assumption that the more you consume the faster you'll heal, she began eating whatever she could get her hands on, including Cheerios despite my belief that she should take it easy. She was also receiving guests.

    Aug 14 - After consuming a bagel in the morning, she began feeling nauseus in the afternoon and was vomiting after ingesting anything, including water. By the time I arrived at the hospital, she was completely bed-ridden. That evening, my family doctor informed me that she had massive internal bleeding and passed a lot of blood earlier that day. He was panicking and suggesting she may not pass away at any point and asked me to take the next day off work. He also called a bunch of my relatives and I don't know how many of her friends.

    Aug 15 - I went to work in the morning to finish up some work with deadlines, but took the afternoon off under the assumption that her condition was fairly critical. After arriving at the hospital, however, my brother told me not to listen to Dr. Wong's bullshit. Basically, the internal bleeding, coupled with the nausea and vomiting, caused my family doctor to panick and overexaggerated her symptoms. It would later be revealed that the symptoms were likely unrelated and caused by different sources. The internal bleeding was the result of blood-thinners perscribed as a preventative measure after surgery to prevent coagulation in the intestines. After the mass amounts of blood passed out, however, they stopped injecting the thinners. However, her hemoglobin count was always stable in the 90 to 100 range (anemic, but not serious,) suggesting her body was not losing blood and thus the doctors and nurses were not fearing for her life. In the end, it was believed the blood came from remenants of the surgery, as the hemoglobin count never dropped to critical levels. The vomiting, on the other hand, was likely the result of an ileus, or a temporary shutdown of the bowels. Personally, I believe it was caused by her trying to eat too much, too fast, and her digestive tracks wasn't able to handle it so soon after surgery. Having no other recourse, the only other way for food to get out is to come back up.

    Aug 16 - I went to the hospital early in the morning and stayed until fairly late at night. My brother had been there most of the days and it's clearly palpable that he was beginning to tire. My mom appeared better, and they finally began listening to me about eating cautiously.

    Aug 17 - My mother began eating solid food again, albeit mostly soft food. Since my CMA exam was on Wednesday (Aug 20,) I took a good portion of the afternoon studying for the exam. Her condition seemed to have stabilized and as soon as she was off IV, the doctors suggested she could go home. According to my family doctor, however, the surgeon suggests the cells have already reached the aeorta and the prospects of recovery looks very bleak. I'm not sure if I trust his melodramatic overreactions, however, and would like to discuss it with my brother first before going into widespread panic.

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

  • Just when you thought things will slow down a little, life throws you the unexpected.

    Japanese exam ended last week. The final class is over and there's no more after that. Unfortunately, two weeks ago, we found out my mother is in the advanced stages of colon cancer.

    The sequence of events is as follows:

    July 29th - My mother went in for an x-ray after months of feeling minor pain in the stomach as well as noticable weight-loss the past few months. The doctor immediately informed her of abnormal symptoms in the intestines and scheduled her for a colonoscopy. By the time you can see it on an x-ray, odds are it's in the advanced stages (which, in this case, it is.)

    July 31 - Confirmed from the colonoscopy that it's a tumour, and most likely cancer. Could not confirm whether it's malignant (fatal) or benign (isolated.) A CT scan was scheduled the following week.

    Aug 6 - My family doctor called and informed me that based on the scan, it looks very bad. The growth has spread to the lymph nodes (basically the passageway to the bloodstream.) If it gets into the bloodstream, the cells can't be isolated and it's bascially terminal.

    From Wednesday to Friday of last week, I basically cried uncontrollably for 3 days. I don't cry anymore, which I'm not always sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand, I want to be in control of my emotions. On the other hand, I'm afraid if I stop crying, I will lose that abilty to cry, which, under the circumstances, I still want to retain - it's not something I want to get used to.

    The surgery is scheduled for noon today. I have taken the morning off to go in with her. I think under normal circumstances, most ppl would take the day off work. I am still going in the afternoon, because once she's out, there's nothing I can do anyway. I'd rather save up my days off for the future in case I may need it. But as soon as she's out of recovery, I will head back to the hospital.

    Suddenly, so many things don't seem to be so important anymore.

Sunday, 08 June 2008

  • Hmmmm...I don't like what Xanga has become. I'm just looking for a simple weblog application, and not an all-in-one myriad of complicated smorgasbord of confusion.

    More specifically, Xanga just sent me a message about logging in to keep my account actived, and when I did (obviously not reading any of the other instructions and clicking on yes to everything), Xanga automatically posted an entry in my name. Not that it's a big deal, but I don't appreciate that, and I'm not sure if it sent a notification to everyone on my friends list or just to those that subscribe.

    Meh...either way, too busy to care at the moment. I work 6-day weeks, am in the middle of the Strategic Leadership Program for my Certified Management Accountant designation and have Japanese class on top of that. It means I'm way too busy to do most social activities, including updating my blogs, downloading porn, and macking on chicks online....

    Don't worry, though, Japanese is officially over in August, which should hopefully free up some time. At that point, hopefully I'll be back to my old self.

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yangdt00

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    • Name: David
    • Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
    • Birthday: 1/1/1976
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 1/4/2003

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